In which Mello and Matt try to cook while drunk
by WinButler
Summary: Because you can't make a cake without limes. Everyone knows that. Mello and Matt discovered some vodka, some cake ingredients, and some interesting things about themselves that night. Shounen ai. Warning: MelloxNear not MxM


**A/N: **This is a one-shot, and also my first foray into the Death Note fandom. Woot!

**WARNING: **The pairing is not MelloxMatt. I thought I ought to make that clear. I know it is extremely popular, and I do not wish to have virtual tomatoes thrown at me. It's OK, but there will be another shounen ai pairing in this fic. OK, it's MelloxNear. That was probably obvious.

One more thing – ages: Mello – 15, Matt – 15, Near – 14.

In which Mello and Matt try to cook while drunk

"Heh, put more sugar in."

Mello scowled at his best friend. "It doesn't _need _more sugar. There's enough sugar."

"There's never enough sugar."

"You sound like L."

"OK, well, it definitely needs some more food colouring."

Matt grabbed the nearest bottle of yellow food colouring and started adding it liberally to the mixture. Mello screeched.

"No! I told you to lay off that! I want GREEN!"

Matt cocked his head to the side, bemused. "We don't have green."

"Well, we can MAKE green. Look, we have yellow. And we have red. Yellow plus red equals green!"

Matt stared. "You're trashed, Mels."

"I know you are, but what am I?" giggled Mello. Matt firmly took the two bottles of food colouring out of Mello's hands and placed them on the worksurface.

"You know what I think we should do?"

Matt looked up. "Put some flour in the cake."

Mello shook his head, looking at Matt as though he were slow. "No, stupid! Cake doesn't need flour."

Matt laughed. "Yes it does, foolish fool. Otherwise it won't...it won't...what's that word for when stuff goes up?"

"You when you watch me get changed?"

Matt went the colour of the food colouring. The red one. Not the yellow one. "No! I mean rise! It won't _rise_!"

"Of course it will. I put baking powder in it. I always plan ahead."

"Hm. An intriguing plan. I concur. No flour. But what should we do now? It's in the oven. I'm bored, Mello. I'm hungry. I think I have the munchies."

"We should get more alcohol!"

--

Earlier that night, Mello and Matt decided they were bored. And what better way to alleviate boredom than to sneak down to the kitchens and cook? They made certain that Roger was asleep, and at exactly one am, tiptoed down the stairs, and started rooting around in the cupboards for cake ingredients. Only to discover...

"Matt! Check this out!"

"Oh my...vodka!"

They had happened upon the supply of vodka Roger stashed secretly in the kitchens just in case Mello decided it would be a good idea to slip Near a few antihistamines in his morning tea, call a taxi and tell the driver to take him to the nearest mental asylum. As he had done earlier that day. Roger felt that situation called for a good strong shot of vodka. And maybe some whiskey after that.

"Heh, let's drink it! I haven't had vodka straight since we nicked that stuff from the McLaurin's when they went out of town."

Matt considered this. If they were to get caught, Roger would never let them hear the end of it. Matt would be permanently banned from his videogames. It was bad enough the time that Roger caught him smoking a cigarette in the backyard and banned him for a week. He'd had serious withdrawal symptoms. He was practically doing handstands and twisting like a pretzel. And if Mello were to get caught, the punishment would be even more severe. Roger once threatened to lock Mello in a room with Near for three days straight. Matt smirked. All things considered, he could go without videogames, if he had _that _spectacle to entertain him.

"...OK!"

Over the next half an hour, as the vodka progressively disappeared, and the two drunken teenagers rapidly lost sight of why they came down in the first place, the conversation had turned to slightly strange matters.

"Matt."

"Yeshm?"

"Have you ever...put sellotape over someone's eyes?"

"Nooo. Why?"

"Because, it'd be funny, ha. We should do it to someone. Ha, let's do it to Near. We should...do lots of things to Near, ha ha." At which point Mello had proceeded to pass out, leaving a slightly 

bewildered Matt to contemplate whether to carry him up to their bedroom or carry on drinking. He chose the latter alternative.

It was a mere forty minutes later when Mello rejoined the land of the conscious, still, of course, slightly worse for wear but generally less drunk than he had been before. And this was when the idea of the cake returned gloriously to his memory.

"Matt!"

"What?"

"Cake!"

--

And that was how they found themselves in their present situation. Cake was in the oven, completely flourless. In fact, containing nothing but sugar, food colouring, eggs (including the shell), sprinkles, and of course, limes. You can't make a cake without limes. And yet somehow, Mello had become covered in flour, the one essential cake ingredient they had forgotten. It looked a lot worse, also, when contrasted with his black clothes.

"So? More alcohol? There's probably some more in Roger's office, you know."

Matt stood up. Bad idea. A sudden headrush was all he needed to collapse back on the floor again in a fit of giggles.

Mello scowled again. "Matt! You were drinking while I was asleep, weren't you?"

Matt managed a nod through his tears of laughter. Mello scrambled to pick his companion up together they managed to stumble up the stairs towards Roger's study, which, of course, had been locked for the night. Which, of course, was no problem whatsoever for Mello and Matt.

"Oh, get out your knife."

Mello whipped out the pitiful bread knife he had swiped from the kitchen and was using to look tough in front of the other kids. He slipped it into the lock, fiddled around for a few seconds, and voila! The door was unlocked.

"OK. Now where might it be?"

They checked his desk, and his drawers, behind the curtains, and Matt even got on the table to look in the light fittings. Not the best idea in the world. The floor became Matt's new best friend once again as he tripped over a paperweight and went plummeting to his doom. Well, not really his doom. But the floor. And the carpet was pretty ugly.

Mello hissed at him. "Matt! Shush! _We're being stealth!_"

Matt made puppy dog eyes at Mello, to which Mello rolled his own eyes and pulled Matt up.

"This is useless. All I found is this old scotch."

"Really? Pass it here."

"Too late, it's gone. Sorry, there was only enough for one."

"You suck."

"You wish."

Matt was silent. Mello sighed.

"I'm not nearly drunk enough. I'm drunk enough to know I want more alcohol, and that's the worst kind of drunk to be."

Matt narrowed his eyes, ignoring his own ever so slightly blurred vision.

"OK. We need to think outside the box here. If you're Roger, and you want to hide alcohol from Mello and Matt, where's the last place on earth you'd ever think they'd look?"

It came to them both in a flash. "Near's room!"

They crept along towards the white door in silence (apart, of course, from Matt's occasional drunken hiccups), it never occurring to them that the proprietor of an orphanage would never hide alcohol in the bedroom of a fourteen year old boy.

Mello stopped. "Do you think we should knock?"

Matt rolled his eyes. "No! Just go in. I'll cover you."

"You're not coming in with me?"

"What if Roger turns up? I need to be on guard duty. Can you be stealth?"

Mello nodded. "I am always stealth." And with that, he shoved Mello into Near's room with all the force he could muster.

SLAM. The door closed behind Mello. He was alone. In..._Near's room. _In the middle of the night.

The room was fairly large, especially for a single, at which Mello scowled. His and Matt's was barely any bigger. Near himself was slumbering peacefully, in his usual white pyjamas, a serene expression on his face. Not that his face wasn't usually serene, thought Mello. He just looked a lot more innocent than Mello knew he really was. Because, of course, Near was an evil minion of Satan, sent to Earth to make Mello's life a living hell. Near, with his stupid getting everything right all the time, and never wearing anything but white, and that irritating way he was always hogging the playroom with his toys, and the cute way he twirled his hair...

Mello stopped dead. Had he just thought that Near was _cute_? No, of course not. The mere notion was absurd!

Matt poked his head around the door. "I'm bored. Are you violating Near yet?"

"WHAT?!"

"Get _on _with it, Mello, some of us could be sleeping here."

"You set this whole thing up so that I would...do things to Near like some sort of...midnight pervert!"

"Midnight pervert?"

"Oh, don't ask me, it was the best I could come up with."

"Ha, I pwned you."

"I'm not even going to pretend to know what you mean by that! We're getting out of here, now!"

"Uh, Mello, what's going on? Why are you in my room?"

Of course, the sounds of Matt and Mello's still slightly slurred voices was not going to go unnoticed by that unnaturally light sleeper.

"Near! Go back to sleep, you little freak."

"Why are you in here, Mello?" sighed Near. "Are you stealing stuff? Maybe trying to break something. Just get on with it and get out. I'm tired."

Matt laughed. "Mello's just here to steal your innocence, Near. Just your friendly neighbourhood _midnight pervert_!"

"Matt! Shut the fuck up!"

"Calm down, Mello. If you wanted me to leave all you had to do was ask." Matt grinned and slipped out, shutting the door behind him as he left, still laughing to himself.

"Mello." Said Near in his usual calm tone. "What was he talking about?"

"Nothing." snapped Mello, sitting himself down on the corner of Near's bed. "He's just being stupid."

Near pouted – why, thought Mello, why does he have to pout like that? – and looked pointedly at Mello.

"So...you're not going to violate me?" asked Near.

"No, why the hell – wait, what the fuck! Do you _want _me to violate you?"

"If it'll get you to leave quicker." Shrugged Near. "I've got to be up at six o clock tomorrow."

"Fine." Shrugged Mello. "If you're gonna beg, I guess I have no choice, this just means a victory for me."

Near could think of a good many things that were wrong with that sentence. Thankfully, he forebore to point them out to Mello. If Mello wanted think he had won, Near would let him. After all, Mello so infrequently got to win when it came to Near.

"Fine. Go ahead."

"Fine. I will."

"Go ahead!"

"I will!"

"Go on then!"

Mello grabbed the front of his pyjama shirt and smashed his lips into Near's. The boy let out a rather un-Near-like squeak, flailing his arms about as if he was being assaulted. Not that he wasn't.

Mello roughly pushed Near down into his mattress, threading his spindly fingers through Near's hair. Near's pained squeak turned into what sound sounded an awful lot like a moan. Again, an extremely uncharacteristic sound for Near to make.

Mello continued his ministrations, eventually managing to shove his tongue into Near's mouth, eliciting another moan and _finally _some reciprocation. Near threw his wiry arms around Mello, running his hands up and down Mello's back, working their way up his shirt, causing Mello to gasp in pleasure.

_Ha, _thought Near. _Now I'm winning._

They continued like this for around another half an hour to forty minutes, pausing to breathe properly every few minutes or so. After a while, Mello realised he could not go any further than he had gone, and sat up.

"Near."

"Mello?"

"Um, I should go."

"Go?"

"I...think we've gone far enough. For tonight."

Near pouted. "I thought you were going to _violate _me."

Mello shook his head. "I don't think I can. Maybe tomorrow night."

Near's eyes widened. "Tomorrow?"

Mello nodded. "I was kind of hoping this might not have to be a one time thing."

Near was bemused. "But...you hate me."

"On the record, yes. Off the record...well, we'll just have to see tomorrow, won't we?"

Near smiled weakly. "Mello?"

"Yes?"

"You're a _terrible _excuse for a midnight pervert."

--

Three minutes and a few chaste kisses later, Mello returned to his own room to find a grinning Matt awaiting him.

"OK. Spill. I wanna hear all the gory details."

Mello reddened. "No way, man. I'm not telling you anything. This is all your fault."

"What? You suck! Why get with Near if you're not gonna tell me about it? I could have been sleeping here, Mello."

"Hm. I think...because I wanted to."

Matt laughed. "I knew it. You are in love with him. You're such a sap, Mels."

Mello threw a pillow at him. "I am not in love with him. I'm in...not-hate with him, that's all."

"Right. Not-hate is the new love."

"Go to sleep, Matt."

The red-head grinned at his friend and turned off the light. A few minutes passed.

"Mello?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you smell burning?"

"...Fuck! The cake!"

--

END

A/N: WTF was that. That was an infamous one-a.m. fic written entirely on the spur of the moment in one go. Those are always the most fun.

Also. When Mello says that he and Matt are being stealth, he's not really being grammatically incorrect. It's a reference to The OC.


End file.
